A new dilemma

I’m not a multitasker. Never have been! I find it damn near impossible to focus on two things at once. Whoever started the rumour that women are the best multitaskers needs a bit of a wake up slap! To say such a thing is mean, cruel and untrue.  Try as I might, I end up feeling like a failure as a woman because I just can’t do it. It puts me under pressure and I become impossible to be around, so I avoid it at all costs.

Lately I’ve spent so much time worrying about my wrinkles that I haven’t been watching my weight. According to the scale I have gained 7Kgs since I reached my target last April.

 

I suspected I was gaining about a month ago. I could feel it in my jeans. Also, my body does this disturbing thing where it sends a great deal of fat to my tummy. Why it can’t be distributed evenly around my body I’ll never know.  I can tell when I gain weight because painting my toe nails becomes a bit of a contortion act. I can’t bend over my belly and breathe at the same time. Prettying up my toes is a paint, pant, paint, pant process.

“Babe, does it look like I’ve gained weight?” I asked my husband

“No Love. You look great!” he replies.

He’s quite obviously lying! He’s been known to say loads of really nice things to me to avoid me sulking or refusing to cook. He also says nice things when he thinks I’ll let him get cosy with me. The cheeky bugger!

The weather has really warmed up, so last night I took out my summer pj’s. The cutest little shorts and shirt set which I bought last summer.  I put the shorts on and to my blushing embarrassment they now fit like knickers and not at all like the shorts they are supposed to be. Break out the Banshee………. “Hells bells”, I roared, “Not this fat crap again!”

This morning it happened that I had to take a little trot to catch up to someone I wanted to talk to. I felt this really abnormal feeling behind me. My butt was bouncing wildly and a phrase my late grandfather used to say came to mind. If ever my grandpa saw a woman walking by, who had a particularly large bum, he would say “Look at her backside – It looks like two monkeys fighting in a mielie sack!” It would crack everyone up and all would be in fits of laugher. But there I was … trotting away with my butt doing the whole monkeys in the mielie sack thing! And I wasn’t laughing.

There is no debate - I have gained weight.

Although I have consistently been avoiding carbs like bread, pasta and potatoes, I do indulge in a beer or three every now and then and I eat choccies (most nights). 

I suspect the actual problem is that my meal portions have grown considerably. We are also coming out of winter so I do have the very valid excuse that winter did this to me.  

Standing at the mirror, taking a long hard look at myself I noticed the bright side of my weight gain. (Yes, there is always a bright side.) My wrinkles have far less depth. My face looks plumper and, I suppose, about as youthful as a sun damaged, hard working, stress feeling 42 year old could look.

I arrive at the crossroad of an impossible decision – 

To be thin and wrinkly or fat and wrinkle free? 

I can’t decide which would be the lesser of the two uglies?

I ponder what Mark Wahlburg would prefer?  Perhaps I’ll write to him and ask. 

And then there's the sucking option.

In November last year I received a really awesome gift for my birthday, from two of my GF’s. The gift was two free sessions of Endermolift. Endermolift is another option for people like me who are seeking a non surgical face lift.  

Endermolift entails using a pretty big machine with a small little sucker-thingy that sucks your face. Not your whole face all at once but rather, the operator moves the little sucker nozzle over your face in a suck, lift, suck, lift kind of way. The sucking stimulates blood circulation in the deep layers of your skin. It does loads of other stuff too but I can’t tell you what because I forgot. All I can say is it’s like fat fish kisses but without the wet and slimy. It feels strange at first but I’ve actually come to enjoy it.  I have been quite a few times since November, but not at all since I had Fillers.

I’ve been a bit nervous to go back because I really didn’t want Marisol to know I had cheated on her. She truly believes her machine is all I need – she has repeated time and time again – No injections – No surgery – All natural.  

After a whole month I finally plucked up the courage to go see Marisol. I figured if no one else had noticed I’d had fillers then neither would she.   When I popped in to see her today she was so happy and I realised I had really missed this little foreign lady and her face sucking machine.

Marisol is not South African. She's foreign, but I’m not certain which foreign she is. She’s definitely not Russian, Oriental, German or Australian.  I guessed she could be Portuguese but then decided perhaps she is Greek or Turkish. She couldn’t be Slovakian – I don’t know how I know that but I just do! Whatever foreign she is, it doesn’t actually matter because for some remarkable reason I can understand her. You see, she speaks to me in Foreign and I speak to her in South African.

She says: “You go too long – I like see you back – Come you lie!” 

Which in South African means - Chick, your face looks awful, it’s about time you showed up for some fixing, lie down let me see what I can do!

She continues once I’m lying down, “I take yellow - no good machine!” 

This means - I am removing your make-up because that shit stuffs up my machine!

Once she starts the sucking process she can change the suction power depending on where in the face she’s working. 

"I am too rude?” she asks concerned. 

This means - Am I hurting you?

She says, “You eyes to express, I no spend to lot time, make yellow grey.” 

This means – You talk with way to much expression, you must tone down a bit and stop being so over expressive when you tell stories. I can’t spend time sucking your eyes because I’m going to bruise you. 

When she’s done she says: “Ah, you teenage!” 

I don’t know for sure what this means but it’s something good because she is smiling broadly when she says this and looks pleased with herself.

When I’m leaving she says “You come again back, please.” 

This means - you better get your arse back on my Endermolift bed sometime very soon because this session didn’t do the trick.  

So Marisol didn’t notice I had Fillers. I’m safe! She’s oblivious to the fact that I cheated on her. All’s well that ends well!

And yet, I can’t help feeling that awful pang of disappointment that she didn’t notice, as it serves as another painful reminder of all the money I wasted on something that did nothing for me.

I was oddly overcome with curiosity as I was leaving today. 

“Marisol” I asked, “Where are you from?”

“Venezuela.” she answered, smiling.

Damn – Why didn’t I guess that?   

I suspect her smile meant that nobody ever does! 

Toodles

xxx