Unrealistic expectations?

I said I’d never have fillers again.  I also said I’d never have Botox again.  Fillers are so expensive. The only difference I see after fillers is a depleted bank account.  Botox on the other hand distorts my face and makes me look like a freak when I smile or laugh.  So yes, I have aggressively stated that I won’t ever do Botox or fillers again.

I’m too lazy to remember exactly how long ago it was, but some years ago I tried Botox. My husband had left on a three week business trip to somewhere in Central Africa and I seized the opportunity to have the Botox done in his absence. You must understand that it is never my intention to lie or hide things from him, but when I tell him I’m about to do something stupid he invariably gives me a whole lot of sensible reasons why I shouldn’t do what I’m about to do – and I really wanted to try Botox.  He was no sooner on his flight and I was in Dr Evil’s office.  I wouldn't mention the Botox so he would never know.   

It took two weeks for the effects of the Botox to kick in and I was rather impressed at how relaxed my face looked. That was of course until I smiled.  With every smile my cheeks came up and my right eye sagged down.  I looked like a freak. But nobody said anything so I assumed that I was being my usual overcritical self and that I was overreacting. Surely if I really did look odd someone would say something.  Or not!

By the time my husband came home I had forgotten about the Botox. We were so excited to see each other.  I was all smiles as we started to exchange our stories of what had happened while we were apart. I had so much to tell him (but not about the Botox of course.)  I had his full attention when suddenly his face fell – I could see his deep concern as he sat staring at me. And then our conversation went something like this….

ME: “What’s wrong?”

HIM: “What happened to you?”

ME: “What do you mean?”

HIM: “Are you ok?”

ME: “Yes, I’m fine!”

HIM: “Babe, something terrible has happened to you.”

ME: “You’re scaring me! Why are you saying this?”

HIM: “There is something wrong with your face!”

ME: “What, my love? What’s wrong with my face?”

HIM: “I think you’ve had a stroke!”

And right there and then I swore I’d never have Botox again.

Saying you’ll never have Botox again must be a bit like delivering a baby and saying you’ll never have any more kids, but then you go on to have two or three more.  The disappointment of the horrendous ‘stroke effect’ I got from the Botox is obviously a very distant memory because, yeah, I went back two weeks ago. Not just for Botox, but for more fillers too.

What a sucker for punishment!  Why does it work so well for others but I walk away looking battered and distorted.  My smile looks sarcastic and unfriendly because my eye area is frozen.  It seriously looks like I’m faking smiles.   I just don’t get it.  Dr Evil is obviously skilled because I know so many of her clients, and they all look gorgeous (and normal).  But not me!

I discussed my crisis with my younger sister who manages a Sk:n Clinic in the UK. Our conversation went something like this….

ME:  “There is no difference!”

HER: “I’m sure that’s not true.”

ME: “Honestly, besides the fact that she’s given me a blue eye again, and I now look very unfriendly, there’s no difference!”

HER: “I hate clients like you!”

ME: “WHAT? WHY?”

HER: “You have unrealistic expectations!”

Unrealistic expectations?

I’m crushed! How can anyone think that it’s unrealistic of me to go in to a beauty clinic, spend all that money, and not walk out expecting to look like I’m 25 again?  That's so not an unrealistic expectation!  Pfffft! 

Walkies with Shadow

Since my first walk I’ve decided to dedicate 40 minutes, two evenings a week, to a nice brisk walk. And, I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, I really do enjoy it.  You will however not believe the unexpected things that happen which cause me to miss out on many of my bi-weekly walks! Rain, working late, unexpected visitors, etc, etc.  And most recently my knee!   A joint which has never been injured, never given me any trouble at all,  suddenly rolled over and played dead. I attempted to bring it back to life with a course of Cataflam, but it took a whole week for me to resuscitate said knee.  That brought me to almost three weeks of no walking! Finally – good conditions prevailed and I was able to walk once this week. But…………….

Last week there were three incidents reported in our neighbourhood of school children being mugged while walking home from school.  An 11 year old boy who was hit with a stick on the back of the head and searched for valuables, and two high school girls who had their cell phones stolen. Now, if that happens in broad daylight, what could happen at dusk when I take my walks?  My personal safety and the safety of my cell phone need to be taken into account. So for the sake of safety I toyed with the idea of aborting my walks and getting straight back on the couch.

My husband generously offered to walk with me but I’ve come to enjoy my 40 minutes of solitude twice a week, which does some restoration on my very exhausted soul. As much as I appreciated his offer I truthfully told him that I really wanted to be with my own thoughts.  The very rational man responded that that was no problem at all – he would not say a word while we walked, he’d let me listen to my music and enjoy my own thoughts. He would be there as muscle, and not as company.  I’d be a bit like a celebrity with a body guard lurking in the background. We struck our deal and made a date for a silent walk. But then, as Murphy (that son of sod) would have it, the unexpected popped up AGAIN and my husband ended up in a late meeting, having to cancel our walk.  I was left with the decision of risking walking alone or safely retreating to the couch!  

And then I saw Shadow - our beautiful timber wolf who accompanies my marathon loving husband on many of his short distance runs. Shadow is fit, she loves to run and I instantly realised that she would be the perfect walking companion and attacker deterrent. Firstly because she doesn’t talk, but more importantly, because most people are wary of her!  Problem solved! I can’t believe how clever I am sometimes!

So Shadow and I began our walk. Or should I say my drag? Shadow took off on a trot which had me dragging behind her holding onto her lead for dear life.  I tried to use my voice of reason to slow her down and when that didn’t work I used my voice of persuasion. She slowed down a little but was still much faster than me. It didn’t seem to bother her that her collar was just about chocking her, but I could only go as fast as I was going so I figured that eventually she’d get tired of the collar straining at her throat and she’d adjust her pace to match mine.  Not too clever this dog – it took a whole 15 minutes before she slacked off. By then I was pretty tired of all the unplanned resistance training I was getting so I’d slacked off too which still had Shadow ahead of me rather than next to me.

I suspect she started to get bored because 25 minutes in she decided that she would stop and pee, and then stop to stiff and nudge a very dead bird, and then stop to sniff every single pole and every other dogs poop. (There are seemingly thousands of dog walkers in our neighbourhood.) Shadow even spotted a pothole filled with water that she tried to take a swim in. I had to keep begging her to stay focused and walk with me. She criss-crossed in front of me which caused me to stumble a few times.

I was just reaching the point of ‘fed up’ when I spotted two chaps who appeared to be going nowhere in particular and not doing anything in particular. Just mooching around in the street.  Suspicious much? Good old South African caution kicked in and I softly hissed Shadows name to get her off the poop sniffing and to look alert.  She spotted the blokes and watched on them as they took a slow, wide berth around us.  She even glanced back at them for good measure. She looked intimidating but truth be told I don’t at all believe she was looking at them to eat them. She’d probably lick them to death given the opportunity.  She isn’t vicious – she just looks it, especially when she pricks her ears.  But she is curious and that’s probably why she stared them down. I suspect that if one of them had called her she would happily have run over for a pat. As I mentioned, she beautiful, not bright!

After a mostly frustrating walk with Shadow I remembered why I’d taken her along in the first place. I need protection! It’s going to take a couple more walks with her to straighten out the criss-crossing business, to walk next to me and not in front of me, to stop the pole and poop sniffing, and to respect dead birds! But all in all I believe our walking relationship is going to work out. Her intimidating appearance will possibly protect me, and in return I will allow her one good poop sniff per walk.